Fix Me

We were on our way to somewhere. We took that highway. The highway where you can see not so many vehicles use it. Oh wait. Ive been here before. It was long ago when I accompany him to his hometown in 2011 which I cant remember for what reason I went there with him. I was so nervous and only God knows how I felt that day. My cousins suddenly said that she wanted to go to toilet. We stop at Petronas and I felt quite relieved. Please buy some times for me. I don’t know if I can really do this. Can I go back? I don’t want to go there. I don’t know if I manage to be strong.

We arrived at 11.30am if im not mistaken. There were only few guests there. We were so early, aren’t we? I saw him. The happy bridegroom. Deep inside my heart, im happy for you too. Then, we saw the arrival of the bride. No, I didn’t saw it. I was quite late because busy taking pictures with my cousins inside of the house. I took their pictures carefully. I held my feelings. At that moment, I whispered to myself. This is it. They were so happy. Then you should be happy too. Maybe this is the feeling that you had when you saw someone that you once love is getting married with someone else.

My gf advised me before, “No matter what, you have to be sincere. You have to congratulate them sincerely.” I replied, “If I said Im so happy for them, why does it feel like my heart gonna bleed once again, qaliz?”

But that day... it went so well. I felt like I was so fake for the entire event. There was one time when I saw them, my eyes suddenly got watery and all I thought was I need to go to toilet and cried. Hey, you. You are not wedding crasher, aren’t you? So suck it up and be strong. So, I managed to control my feelings. It was so tough but still… I did it.

To him…

The one who I once love, the one who can be my best listener, the one who can laugh unconditionally to all my terrible jokes, the one I once depend on, the one who let me owe him some money just to allow me to meet heechul.

I was so lucky to know you and let you enter my life even just for a while. I pray for your happiness. I pray that Allah’s blessing always be with you. I pray for Allah to guide you to the right path and bring your family in Jannah. I pray that you will get cute kids, soleh and solehah.

I pray that Allah will let me be happy just like you. I pray that this pain will disappear along with all the memories…

Awak… pelangi saya dah hilang.