The Thought

My tea's gone cold I'm wondering why
I got out of bed at all
The morning rain clouds up my window
And I can't see at all
And even if I could it'd all be gray
But your picture on my wall
It reminds me that it's not so bad
It's not so bad

Its been raining since this morning.
The day of Dan's wedding is approaching.
Theres still one thing that makes me feel uneasy and worry.
Put aside i-still-dont-know what should i wear on that day.
?? is that really a problem?:P

...

I really hope that He wont come.
Since ive just recover from my nightmare.
Sigh~~~
oh. anyway, i can recite the yasin that they gave me on the wedding.
thats the biggest accomplishment that i can brag on.
at least for now.

coz. mira told me,

its ok. when you have let go everything,
then ikhlas will come later.
it takes time.
it really is.

sincere? thats not us to decide.
itu kerja Tuhan kan.

but...
i really feel like i dont wanna see him anymore.
as for me, if we dont meet each other forever is better.

yes.
thats the cruelest thought that i have at this moment.
no.
its not that i dont want to see him with his happy life.

When two People
In Love Break up 

They can't Be Friends 
As they have Hurt Each other 

They can't Be Enemies 
As Once they Loved Each other 

The Only Thing They can Be
Are the Most Familiar Strangers..


its just.
i m pity with my heart.
easy to break.
easy to be flattered.
so fragile like a glass.
sometimes it was so strong.
but sometimes it hurts so bad.

and as for now...

its good to let it be.
to recover by itself.
dont have to disturb.
dont have to ask why.

because..

when you asked about the heart.
you will never get the answer.

First Love

The thing about fall in love is, you cant control your heart. its not you didnt try to persuade it, its like.. hey! you dont have to hurt so bad. hes not worth it. but still.. in the end, the heart (your heart) wouldnt even listen to everything that you say. or anything!

hey fie.. are you okay?

yeah. im fine.

that kind of question took me awhile to realize i have so many people that still worry about me. dont want me to fall so hard on the ground. and thanks ikhwan. i never knew that you would still take care of me after..

well you know. hehe. eh. by the way, i still save unintended song that youve played for me. okay2. after you got married, i will delete it. i promise!:) kikiki. its just. i was sooo in luv with that song.0__o

all time favourite kott.

and suddenly, during my i-dont-know-what-kind-of-phase that i go through, my friends at office kept on playing 'fix me' by coldplay. n i was like... "lagu-lagu di radio seolah-olah memerli aku."

ok. thing about guy friends are...

sometimes, they were sooo childish.

childish is one thing. yang clueless tu lagi teruk.:b

fie.. dah lama aku tak dengar cite ko. dengar ko berceloteh lama-lama pasal life.

eh.. takmo la cite. ko da kawen kot.

ala. dulu boleh?

memang la dulu boleh. kau beriya sangat nak dengar cite aku ni dah kenapa? haha.

lawak kot.+__+ aiyooo. pening pale aku kot. hes one of easy going buddy in here.

thing about me, im d one who sometimes can be so close to guys. but.. im still very choosy la.

tahap hoiii. aku tengah senggugut teruk la. kau tak payah nak ajak lepak sangat boleh tak?

hah. sedap sound orang.

talking about guys. oh cakur! i miss him lotssss!

amboii fie. jangan nak rindu laki orang sangat la.:P ada la dalam 5 tahun tak jumpa. gla kau tak rindu. hes d closest buddy in umt that i have. tahap cite depan dia siap nanges2 kot. dia plak memang jenis layankan jela si ifi ni. hahaha. but dulu, he had so many girlfriends. and aku ingat satu ayat dia ni,

"banyak-banyak kawan pompuan aku, kau sorang je tak pernah sangkut kat aku tak kira macam mana aku ayat kau."

and i was like, kau penah ngayat aku ke cakur? *muka blur

dah lepas tu, dia dengan perangai suweet talker dia tu pi ngayat osmet2 aku sampai aku hangin gla kott. "can you stick to the one? penat kottt aku tengok osmet aku sume cakap ko suka diorg?"

and after that, dia behave sket la. actually, i dont really mad at him.

i know, perempuan kan hati lembut. im a gurl. i know that very well.

so i cant stand watching my friends getting hurts. nak2 orang yang mainkan tu member kau sendiri kot. memang nak makan penampau la tu.

to all my buddies...

from my childhood (read: UMT) untill i grew up (read: 27years old),

i am sooo lucky to meet all of you in my life.

listened to all my patheticraptastic life stories all over again.

gv advise to me coz i always cannot think straight.

you are the best!

this entry also dedicated to you adi.^^

i love you guys.

*the phase is so different. some of them are already be a dad (or on d way to be one)

the wave and frequency are not there anymore. dont you think so? or is it just me?

+__+

This Brings Tears To My Eyes. My Sacrifice.

I was facebook-ing.

When I came across this post.

It was so sad and almost made me cried. Tapi bergenang je la tapi.:P Dah sape suh grandpa tu nanges sampai merah-merah mata.+__+ sedih gla kot.

Since I know I cant really contribute my energy macam Heliza yang banyak kali pi hantar bantuan kat sana. Tak kesah la kat Palestine ke, Syria ke. Paling-paling yang kita dapat buat pon bagi derma tru ‘Aqsa Syariff – Ni khas untuk Palestin je tau’. And then sedekahkan doa untuk umat Islam kat sana. Mintak Allah kuatkan semangat, hilangkan penderitaan, musnahkan tentera-tentera zionist laknatullah tu. Apart from that, theres nothing much that we could do.

As for me, Ive made a few sacrifices to help them. Bukan pengorbanan sangat la since aku dengan agak paksa-rela diri sendiri untuk buat kan. Oh. The title? Yes. I exaggerate a bit. Haha. Abaikan.

Firstly! Facial foam. Aku memang peminat tegar, eh bukan Tegar-Aku-Yang-Dulu-Bukanlah-Yang-Sekarang tu. 0__o I was a veryyy loyal customer of Garnier. Facial foam yang berasaskan limau. Aku kan orang environment. Haruslah pakai product pon yang berkaitan dengan bunga, pokok dan buah dan yang sewaktu dengannya. Tapi talking about lemon, aku memang suke pakai limau pon. Kalau pi Giant memang keje aku borong limau nipis je. Pakai masa mandi. Kalau letak kat rambut, homaigodddd konfem aku tido nyenyak malam tu sebab rambut wangi sangat. Cheq sukaaaaa!!! (Intonasi Aminah anak Lepat) :’) That was one of Israel’s product that I banned la. Pastu sekarang aku nampak je iklan Garnier yang ada bunga sakura tu, setan kat kepala da cucuk-cucuk suh beli. Comeiii kottt botol dia. Kaler pink. Annoying gla okay.

And lucky for me, tak lama pastu I changed my facial foam to this.

Thank God! You are my savior!^^ *Tapi pahtu Kak Marina dok pegang-pegang muka aku cakap “asal cantik sangat kulit awak?” aku plak yang blur. Akak perli sy ke apa?-.-”

Next!!!~

Ni pon agak payah la nak boycott. Since Ive used them ages ago. Best kot. Dahla lembut. Yela. Dahla susah nak jumpa mende yang boleh buat kau terpikat, astu takkan la senang-senang je nak suh suka kat mende lain. EH? 0__o Okay. Tapi right now, I use Dove. So far okay laaaa. Coz before guna loreal, I used Herbal Essence. Tapi syampu tu buat rambut kering. Mesti syampu tu pon sedey sambil nyanyi lagu Simple Plan “im sorry.. i cant be perfect..”

Okay. Thirdly!

Ni yang paleng menguji keimanan aku yang rapuh dan nipis macam kulit bawang ni. I used to be the one who really love it!!! Dah tagline pon Im Loving It.:P

Kalau zaman blaja dulu, aku memang tak pandang kepsi langsung la. Macam helloooo.. kau tak sama level langsung dengan mcD okay. Kira bagi aku, mcd memang terbaek la time tu. Tapi pastu bila dah stat boikot, nak taknak tepaksa pi kepsi bila nak lepaskan gian. Pathetic gla ok. Memula dulu memang susah la. Tapi once you know how to handle yourself, you get used to it naturally. As time when by, kau seap boleh lepak dengan member kat sana without makan mcd. Hebat bukan. Butttt. Im not an angel. Im just a human with so many flaws. Bulan puasa last year, kami ma’zurah beramai-ramai. Bila dah sume takleh pose, maka kami pon wajib la carik makanan. Kitorg makan dalam kete je time tu sebab satgi kena masuk van jenazah plak tak pepasal. All my friends sume nak makan mcd. Nak taknak tepaksa join la. Its like, orang cakap kalau darurat takpekan?-.-”

Maka, dengan rasa tak berapa nak bersalah tu, I ate them. Chicken mcDelux (my feveret burger dulu), fries n air. I finished them all. And homaiigoddd.. Aku dah macam pegang watak dalam cite Vampire Diaries tu. Macam bila Stefan yang konon-konon vampire veggie yang hisap darah haiwan je and tak hisap darah manusia. And suddenly bila dia tak tahan nafsu and hisap darah manusia, dia teros takleh control. Hah. Macam tu la yang aku rasa. HAHAHAHAHAHAA. Dasat gla kottt. Sebab tu aku paham perasaan Damon. Tetiba.

But sometimes… it makes me feel like, susahnyaaaa nak istiqamah. That was the last time aku makan mekdi. And sometimes bila datang demam or badan tak sihat, mula la nak mengidam bubur mekdi. Cam padddiaaaa ifi. Boleh tak jangan nak mengada sangat! Its your own choice. Just bear with it. Tapi sekarang aku layan Burger King ngan Wendys jelaaaaa.^^ Seploh kali lagi sedap okayyy.

Takpela kita korban sikit. Sebab..,

Mereka tersiksa berjuta-juta kali lebih teruk dari apa yang kita rasa.

O Allah! Bring into harmony the hearts of Muslims, unite their forces, make righteous their leaders, and unite their word on the truth

O Allah! Grant victory to your religion (Islam), your Book (The Qur'ān), and the Sunnah of your Prophet Muhammad (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him); and give victory to your servant believers and the truthful Mujahideen (those who fight in the path of Allah).

O Allah! Make us safe and secure in our countries, make righteous our imams and leaders, support with the truth our imam and leader, and make available for him a righteous retinue, guide him to do what you love and accept,

O Allah! Protect our Muslim brothers in Syria, Burma, Palestine, and everywhere O Lord of the world, heaven and earth, O Allah! Be on their side; mend their defeat, have mercy on their weakness, feed their hungry people, clothe those without clothes amongst them, and be on their side with Your generosity, O Lord of the world, heaven and earth; provide them with your support, O Allah! Provide them with your support, O Allah! Provide them with your support, and grant them your victory.

O Allah! Restore to the best the conditions of our Muslim brothers everywhere, O Allah! Grant them victory in Palestine over the aggressive Zionists, O Allah! Save Al-Aqsa mosque from the claws of the aggressive Jewish Zionists!

O Allah! Be with our Muslim brothers in Syria, O Allah! Be with our Muslim brothers in Syria, O Allah! Stop their bloodshed, O Allah! Stop their bloodshed, O Allah! Stop their bloodshed, 

O Allah! The night of their being oppressed has become long, so please drive away this oppression from them and bring near the dawn of victory to Islam and Muslims, O Lord of Alamin,(mankind, jinn and all that exists).

O Allah! Improve the conditions of our Muslim brothers in all countries. O Allah!
Improve their conditions in Syria. O Allah! Gather them around Your Truth and
Guidance. 

O Allah! Spare their blood, reassure them, feed the hungry people among
them, preserve their dignity and honour, strengthen their hearts, and grant them power and victory over their oppressors! O Allah! Lift the siege around them! O Allah!
Bring an end to their suffering! O Allah! Bring an end to their suffering!

Back to the Future

I cut myself during cutting lemons just now.:’( NampakSangatJarangMasukDapur. Kekeke. There will be no water at our house starting this month. And yesterday, we took a bath at Masjid kat area subang. The masjid facilities were soo great! Stay lama-lama pon takpe.:) We angkot few drums.

Semalam kitorang pi angkot air kat masjid. 3 tong kottt masuk dalam kete.

Yeke kak? Tak basah ke kete?

Tak. Sebab akak kan hebat.^^

0____o err.. ok kak.

Tapiiii pastu, tangan, pinggang sume cam nak patah la sebab mengangkot sume tu. Aihh.. cud it be worst?+___+

Okay. Back to our main topic. Where were we? Okay. Atas katil.

I’m the one who can be really unpredictable. Trust me. It goes like this.

Sy nak masuk BodyShop jap.

Okay. Awak nak cari apa?

I don’t know. Kalau ada mende menarik, I’ll decide later. *grinning

It turned out from “I have nothing to buy” to “I hv a plastic bag with BodyShop label on it.”

You don’t have to teach me about desire and something that we need. I know that already. Hellooo.. We are from Venus hokay. We bought things we don’t need. Yes. Sometimes I bought something that I don’t know when I will use it. Pahtu tak menyesal langsung plak tuuu. Haha.

Okay. Last week I bought this!

It was so cute!!!~ I cant control myself. Dah haku memang suka mende yang berorientasikan cermin-cermin bagai nih. Rasa cam kat ikea. Kau mampu? But… that was not really my fault. Kak misya yang jadi devil-human-version that came to convince and persuade me to buy it. lol.

I know. I know. I don’t have any house right now. But one day, I will have my dream house right?

Maybe in 3 years or 4 years? If ada rezeki lebih, next year pon boleh kot. In shaa Allah.

Who knows? We only plan. And Allah had a better plan for us.

credit photo: Denabahrin

Soooo.. just keep moving!:)

Tak sabaqqqqq nak tampal kat dinding. Homaigoddddd.

Comeiii kan. Ada tinkerbell. Kalau ada peterpan lagi best.

Aku suka!





In a few months or maybe years, i might be reading this entry and wondered where i put all those mirrors.
try carik bawah katil ok ifi!:P

Lagu buat kekasih

Kini fajar mula menyinsing

Mentari tiba menampakkan seri

Burung nan terbang kebebasan

Menggamit hati kecilku ini

Hati ini terasa sayu

Terkenang diri jauh di rantauan

Jauh dari teman-teman

Mengajarku erti kerinduan

Hati ini terasa sayu

Terkenang teman jauh di mataku

Ku rindukan tawa dan senyumanmu

Bilakah kita kan dapat bertemu

Walaupun jauh beribu batu

Ku harapkan kau takkan lupa padaku

Padamu Allah ku panjatkan doa agar berkekalan kasih sayang kita

Padamu teman kutinggalkan pesan quran dan sunnah

Jadikan pegangan

Agar dirimu kan diberkati

Teman kau lah permata hati…

…

Lagu yang kitorang slalu nyanyi dalam surau masa form 1 dulu.

Aku sangat suka lagu ni.

It made me miss my childhood times so bad..T.T

Kadang-kadang, bila Allah bagi dugaan, Dia akan hadirkan mereka yang setia untuk datang beri kekuatan pada kita. Sebab Allah tahu, kadang-kadang kita lupa. Kita lupa yang Allah masih sayangkan kita. Dia pasti akan ingatkan kita yang masih ramai lagi yang sayang kita juga.

Emm..

That conversation took place a looonggg time ago. Few years back I guess. Before mira kahwin lagi. Hee.. I accidentally found the letter in my lappy last night while godeh2 laptop ni.:P She never failed to lift me up whenever I feel down. Since we were 1^st year at Terengganu. Shes my bestfriend. Its been 8 years! I love you dear. so much!:) But anyway… Dear! Aku tersangat happy dan bersyukur masa ko jumpa abg razi and kahwin dengan dia. Hellooo.. mamat tu yang freshies sume glakan masa minggu orentasi kot. Haha. (except me opkos sebab aku sorang je suke kimon.:P tapi pastu ko cakap taste aku sume laki jambu macam korea. paddiaaaaa.)

Of course i still remember..
Aku ingat lagi...
All those memories.

Girlfriends..

I am truly blessed to have you in my life. I love you. I was sooo thankful because you still love me until now.:’) Someone who would be there in times of need and giving support throughout times of difficulties when others would just run away. A true friend who’s not only there during my happy moments but also there cheering me up during my trying times. I wish we could be best friend til forever. You never let me down. Not even once. Im blessed for the gift of our friendship. May Allah change us to be better in all our relationships with those close to us and all around us. May all your prayers come true. Ameen. Love you so much.

ni lagi sorang gurlpren.

always know what to say to cheer me up.

nah! :-*

tapi qaliz suke ketepikan aku kalau kucen dia beranak. 

pastu nak excited lebey2 sebab da jadi nenek.

apekah?

Unintended

I already got married. Can you at least be happy for me?

…

Yes. I’m happy for you. In fact I was so happy to watch you getting married with someone that you love. Someone that deserve you more than I am. But this sad feeling? I couldn’t help but to feel this way. I hate this feeling. I hate the fact that I was so fragile like this. I swear, just like you, I also want this feeling to disappear from my life. I tried so hard to erase all the memories, all about you. I know its hard. But I will try my best to fix all of these things. I promise you I will behave. I will learn from my mistakes and I am so sorry for everything. I will move on. I will be a better person than i was yesterday. Its okay. Everything will eventually get better.

In shaa Allah

Bantu aku Tuhan...

In yansurkumullahu fala ghaaliba lakum. If Allah helps you, theres none to overcome you.

Allah dah janji.

kita kena yakin.

bersabarlah wahai hati.

Please let the Vanilla Twilight fade away…

Selama yang aku rasa aku seorang yang kuat musnah sekelip mata hanya dengan sedikit kebenaran yang didengar. Hati yang tersedia retak tu makin bertambah hancur. Mana mungkin aku yang selama ni redha dengan apa yang ditakdirkan, tiba-tiba hilang sifat tabah yang selama ni tersimpan kemas dalam hati dek kerana apa yang diluahkan.

Kalau dulu aku sedikit pun tak sedih masa dengar berita ikatan pertunangan. Sampai diri sendiri tertanya,

“Do I really love him before this? Why I don’t feel sad? In fact I was so happy for him.”

Mujur sahabat baik menjawab “I think you have already let him go from your heart. You should be grateful because Allah kept your heart from broken.” There I said, Alhamdulillah. Allah pegang hati yang pernah retak tu dari terus terbelah. Mujur aku tak cinta dia sedalam yang aku fikirkan selama ni.

Masa berlalu. Dia datang cerita segala yang terbuku di hati selama ni. Sesuatu yang harus diucap sebelum dia menjalani kehidupan baru. Dan aku… persoalan yang ada cuma kenapa baru sekarang? Aku tak salahkan dia. Jauh sekali nak minta kalau waktu boleh berpatah balik, akan aku pujuk keluarga aku untuk terima dia. Cuma yang buat aku terkilan, aku tak mampu berbuat apa-apa untuk mengubah pandangan dan pendapat orang sekeliling dulu.

Rasa terkilan yang membuatkan aku rasa sedih sepanjang masa. Aku lihat gambar bahagia tu. Dan entah kenapa, laju air mata ni mengalir. Bukan sekarang masa untuk putus cinta. Hubungan tu sudah putus dari dulu lagi. Dah 2 tahun pun. Sepatutnya dari dulu aku patut buang jauh-jauh perasaan tu. Dan ya.. Dulu aku sedih. Tapi aku tak pernah menangis sebab dia. Mungkin pernah sekali dua. Tapi aku memang bukan jenis yang frust sampai boleh menangis. Sebab masa tu, aku memang dah tetapkan dalam hati yang kami tak mungkin bersama. Kalau tak harini, esok lusa mesti kena berpisah jugak. Mungkin sebab masa tu, aku dah tak simpan kepercayaan dan harapan yang tinggi untuk hubungan yang sukar mendapat restu. Bagi aku, dari aku menangis kerana seorang lelaki, lebih baik aku menangis minta Allah ampunkan semua dosa.

Tapi sekarang… sampai-sampai je rumah, hati ni dah macam tak mampu dipujuk lagi. Umpama kaca yang sudah retak teruk cuma tunggu masa untuk pecah berderai. Yang selama ni aku sendiri tak tahu teruknya retak kaca tu. Mungkin kerana retak tu dah ditutupi dengan lapisan plastik yang mampu mengaburi mata orang lain yang memandang. Mengaburi diri aku sendiri juga.

I’ll be there as soon as I can. But im busy mending broken pieces of the life I had before.

Aku pergi majlis tu. Bukan sebab dia. Bukan sebab siapa-siapa. Aku pergi untuk aku. Sebaik sahabatku beritahu aku kena ikhlas, aku terus ingin pergi sana. Ya, aku gembira lihat dia bahagia. Tapi entah kenapa perasaan sedih tu masih tak hilang. Puas aku bisik kuatkan semangat tapi mungkin hati ni tak mampu berbohong lagi.

I was hurt. I thought I can face this. I never thought it could hurt me thousand times more than I can imagine.:’(

Sembahyang, mengaji dan menangis sampai tertidur. Hebat perasaan tu. Mungkin kerana aku tak pernah kehilangan orang yang aku pernah suka. Tiba-tiba aku terpandang folder tu. Entah kenapa aku teringin buka dan baca isi kandungannya. Aku sendiri tak ingat langsung tentang kewujudan folder tu.

Vanilla Twilight.

Oh ya. Folder gambar yang aku pernah simpan dulu dah selamat didelit masa mula-mula aku dengar tentang pertunangan dia. Aku masih punya prinsip hidup. Tak mungkin aku simpan gambar orang yang sudah menjadi hak orang lain.

Aku buka folder itu..

Notepad bertajuk chatting. Aku baca satu persatu isi kandungan. Perbualan pertama aku dengan dia. Cuma chatting di ym. Cuma borak kosong. Cuma ada lawak hambar untuk aku yang pertama kali berborak dengan sepupu yang selama ni aku fikir dia tak pernah ada suara dari kecik. Hanya disebabkan rasa impress borak dengan orang yang aku tak pernah terfikir untuk rapat, aku simpan perbualan tu. Sesuatu yang tak pernah aku buat selama ni dalam hidup. Hanya dengan dia, kebanyakkan perbualan tak kisahlah di facebook atau ym, aku simpan semua. Dari mula kenal, mula rapat dan pengakhirannya. Aku sempat buka sedikit memandangkan mata yang semakin bengkak sebab banyak sangat air mata yang keluar.

I dreamt about you last night.

Oh yeah? Tell me about it.

I dreamt you kiss me.

Serious? Wah.

No. I haven’t finish. In that dream, we were already married. Tapiii. Tak tahu akan jadi kenyataan ke tak.

Its ok. Kita doa ok. Pasti jodoh tu ada. But… are you sure i only kiss you in that dream?

Haha. That’s not funny abg!

Satu saat kamu berbicara tentang kahwin. Dan saat seterusnya, kamu yang mengambil gambar ketika majlis kahwinnya. Ironi. Folder yang aku sepatutnya delete dari awal lagi. Dari 3 tahun yang lepas.

Here comes. Bismillah.

Delete.

Are you sure you want to move this folder to the recycle bin?

YES.

Aku tak sempat baca semua.

Fix Me

We were on our way to somewhere. We took that highway. The highway where you can see not so many vehicles use it. Oh wait. Ive been here before. It was long ago when I accompany him to his hometown in 2011 which I cant remember for what reason I went there with him. I was so nervous and only God knows how I felt that day. My cousins suddenly said that she wanted to go to toilet. We stop at Petronas and I felt quite relieved. Please buy some times for me. I don’t know if I can really do this. Can I go back? I don’t want to go there. I don’t know if I manage to be strong.

We arrived at 11.30am if im not mistaken. There were only few guests there. We were so early, aren’t we? I saw him. The happy bridegroom. Deep inside my heart, im happy for you too. Then, we saw the arrival of the bride. No, I didn’t saw it. I was quite late because busy taking pictures with my cousins inside of the house. I took their pictures carefully. I held my feelings. At that moment, I whispered to myself. This is it. They were so happy. Then you should be happy too. Maybe this is the feeling that you had when you saw someone that you once love is getting married with someone else.

My gf advised me before, “No matter what, you have to be sincere. You have to congratulate them sincerely.” I replied, “If I said Im so happy for them, why does it feel like my heart gonna bleed once again, qaliz?”

But that day... it went so well. I felt like I was so fake for the entire event. There was one time when I saw them, my eyes suddenly got watery and all I thought was I need to go to toilet and cried. Hey, you. You are not wedding crasher, aren’t you? So suck it up and be strong. So, I managed to control my feelings. It was so tough but still… I did it.

To him…

The one who I once love, the one who can be my best listener, the one who can laugh unconditionally to all my terrible jokes, the one I once depend on, the one who let me owe him some money just to allow me to meet heechul.

I was so lucky to know you and let you enter my life even just for a while. I pray for your happiness. I pray that Allah’s blessing always be with you. I pray for Allah to guide you to the right path and bring your family in Jannah. I pray that you will get cute kids, soleh and solehah.

I pray that Allah will let me be happy just like you. I pray that this pain will disappear along with all the memories…

Awak… pelangi saya dah hilang.

The girl with sad little eyes

31^st March 2014

1.40pm

She went out of the cinema after watching Captain America. The movie was quite good but still couldn’t catch her attention.

She was wandering alone at the mall. Entered from one store and to the next. I don’t know what she was thinking about but it seemed like she was lost in her own world.

2.15pm

She arrived at Chawan. Order ‘nasi with ayam masak lemak cili api.’ Then she ate it. Not even finished half of the plate. Okay. Maybe she was on diet. Or maybe the food was not so good. Just like the movie she watched earlier.

I wonder, where were all her friends? Can’t blame them though. Its Monday. Nobody went to the mall on Monday to watch movie.

2.45pm

Its Times! Her favourite place! Nobody can stop her whenever she arrived at the book store. She went from one rack to another. She looked at the Times’ staff. He looked at her. Maybe he wondered why this girl looked so miserable. Suddenly she arrived at the religious division. She was trying to find a book. A book that can cheer her up. The cute staff went to the division, where she stood. He put lots of books at the rack. But nothing could catch her attention. She felt like asking “where can I find Hilal Asyraf collections?” But no words come out. Maybe she don’t feel like talking at that time. She saw one book. The book’s title is ‘I fall in love again.’ Her eyes looked watery inside. She took a breath. No. She wont cried in there. She held the tears carefully. So that nobody would notice it.

She then went out from that store with no plastic bag at her hand. Seriously Times? Do I really need to open up MPH in this mall?

3.10pm

She went to surau to perform Zohor prayer.

3.30pm

She continued to wander around. She still didn’t feel like going home yet. Not even sure what she was looking for but one thing she knew that she has no place to go.

4.00pm

The sky looked so dark. Its just a matter of time before the cloud splashing all of the water to the earth. She looked at the dark sky. Its raining soon after that. It was just like her heart. The tears came out so fast. She realized there was nothing she could do to erase all those pains. She cant run anymore. She still has to face it. 

She has to be strong. She needs to.

But.. she wondered…

Why Allah held her heart before and then let her fall?